I'll forever stay your perfect enemy

never knew I was such a trooper

2010-02-22T21:25:00.004-05:00

I would have though that I would have snapped by now, cosidering my depression hasn't seen any improvement

I'm so tired and sick of being lonely. I need someone to talk to. Someone I can trust, someone who's tangible and understanding and nonjudgmental. I don't need some shrink giving me AD's they wont work. I know what I need to fix this. I just can't help but be terrified that I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

Everyone in my world knows that there are problems that I keep silent, but do they care? I think not. They have their own problems to deal with, and I accept that, I do. I'm not the center of the universe. Everyone has problems.

But maybe we could use each other to get a way for a bit.

you'll only make it worse

2009-09-10T18:38:00.002-04:00

i hope there's a good reason why he's not e-mailing me back, otherwise, I think I'll cry. :(

faint

2009-08-22T01:09:00.002-04:00

I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everyone can see
these scars
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe
this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I got

[Chorus]
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(Time won't heal this damage anymore)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)

I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Cause you don't understand I do what I can but sometimes I don't make
sense
I am what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear
me out
So I let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I've got

[Chorus]
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(Time won't heal this damage anymore)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)

(No)
(Hear me out now)
(You're gonna listen to me, like it or not)
(Right now)
(Hear me out now)
(You're gonna listen to me, like it or not)
(Right now)

(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)

[Chorus]
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(Time won't heal this damage anymore)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)

I can't feel
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

god, I'm so tired of my life.

don't worry about me committing suicide, I have too much hope that it'll get better to kill myself.(though it never does)

give me more paper flowers

2009-08-10T18:53:00.002-04:00

If my parents were to find out that I've been suffering from depression for the past several months, and if I explained why, one of two things would happen:

Either dad would tell me to buck up and that I was being a wuss.

Or mom and dad would both feel bad that they hadn't noticed it sooner and that part of it was their fault, and then I'd have to deal with the guilt of that.

so it's best for me to suffer in silence.

parents

2009-07-10T19:01:00.002-04:00

do not care about the social needs of their children.

I haven't seen anyone in days...

I've hung out with one person in the past three weeks....

adding to the list

2009-07-10T14:22:00.003-04:00

more random factoids

-I'm allergic to mosquitoes, guinea pigs, nerds rope and sour skittles.
-music can effect my mood
-I only draw when I can't photograph it
-I hate bodily functions
-I will have a million cats when I get older
-If I didn't care about people and what they though, I'd be evil.
-apparently, I'm a serial killer.
-I love mind games
-Sometimes I feel too old to be sixteen. I'm so ready for adulthood.
-I need my permit
-I'm a pessimistic optimist
-I'm an optimistic pessimist.
-suck it
-I want to lose ten pounds.
-I hate when I say something negative about myself, like above, and people are like "I can't believe you said that, if you think you're fat then you must think I'm fat and that hurts me"
STFU. I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about me and for you to say something like that only means you think you are and I'm not gonna hear you putting it on me.
-If it bothers you that much anyways, then do something about it, good lord.
-No, I don't think I'm overwirght, but I still want to lose ten pounds. Go away.
-I'm losing faith in humanity, one person at at time.
-I don't trust people.
-call me heartless, most people do.
-I hate emotions. They ruin everything.

I miss friends

2009-07-09T23:39:00.005-04:00

I miss feeling like people actually liked me with out being weirdly obsessed. I miss having something to look forward to on the weekends, and having someone to hang out with after school.

I feel like I bore everyone, and the worst thing is:

I bore myself to.

I'm beginning to hate every fraction of my existence.

can't even close my eyes

2009-07-09T01:08:00.002-04:00

I don't post as much as I used to, merely because there's nothing going on, I find myself incredibly bored and lonely, incedentally, the depression has gotten worse.

Going to a Hey Monday concert soon with Courtney, Lauren, abnd Aerial, which will be my first contact woth them pretty much ALL summer.

Ahhh, my wonderful life.

Bed time for me.

uuuhgggg

2009-06-18T22:06:00.001-04:00

I hate my sisterrr. I hate that I keep having nightmares. I hate how my fuxing Coraline book is missing. I'm so tired of begin bored and not having a job.

That's all I have to say.

last night

2009-06-03T11:07:00.002-04:00

was just overwhelmingly amazing..

It took us 2 hours to get there. Traffic was absolutely terrible, it started raining and everything, and the humidity was just unbearable in the car. The concert started at 7:30, we got there at like 8:30, we had to walk like, 2 miles from where we parked to get the the amphitheater. We missed about half of Paramore :( I was like, laughing hysterically in the car cause we just could not find a way around traffic and I though we were gonna miss them because I didn't know the Sounds was playing before them. When we were trying to park this group of dumbass girls stopped in teh middle of the effing road to take a picture and I just started screaming. "MOVE YOUR ASS NOW!!!!" The had the nerve to flick me of I flicked 'em off too and started screaming again "FUCK YOU TOO!"

Anyways, it was worth it though Paramore was perfect in every way. Hayley was just all over the place, she said that Tampa was the best yet (mind you, this was on Twitter not just live, so I believe her cause she didn't say that about every show)They did Decode which was just....omg, I can't describe.. They did this absolutely incredible instrumental the end "Let The Flames Begin" and I swear I had goose bumps

No Doubt Kicked ass too. Gwen is a rockstar. She was so cool she brought people up on stage with her. This one girl, I though she was gonna cry she was so happy, and there was another girl who had a poster that Gwen just loved that said " Plane ticket: 100$, Concert ticket: 80$, Meeting No Doubt: Priceless" and Gwen leaned off the stage to take pictures with people. And then the drummer came on stage in nothing but a frekkin tutu.

Omg, I was covered in mud up to my ankles on the walk back to the car, my black converse got turned brown. Uhg, but it was so worth it...

Gosh, it was just so incredible... I can't even describe it accurately

I'm doing this to distract myself

2009-05-31T21:44:00.002-04:00

-I get randoms spasms of pain in my body.
-I hate couples cause I'm jealous.
-I feel too old to be 16
-my joints crack frequently. No, most of the time it doesn't hurt.
-I don't judge, I make assumptions that I wont act upon until proven correct.
-I wish I was a superhero
-I'm a secret keeper.
-I wish I had green eyes
-I feel boring a lot
-The only reason I'm a bad girlfriend is because I don't want to express affection to people 'm not really in love with, cause it would lead them on, and when I want to break up, they don't have to go "wtf?"
-Trust me, if I ever do fall in love, this boy will be showered with affection. ;)
-I'm not bothered by my weight, pur say, if I knew it was all muscle, that number would not bother me at all, but it's not, so bleh.
-I freak out without music
-I'm so insanely lonely that I can hardly stand it.
-I find myself incapacitated sometimes because of my depression...

that's it for now...

not again

2009-05-31T21:05:00.001-04:00

damnit, my parents are fighting again. D:

I'm so scared....

forgeting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well

2009-05-26T21:12:00.002-04:00

I feel like such an empty thing sometimes. There's no passion in my life. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Am I just being over dramatic? Is it possible that I'm throwing it all out of proportion?

I don't know what to do with these thoughts...they wont leave me alone.

I dislike this loneliness

mechanical lullaby

2009-05-18T21:40:00.002-04:00

Right, well there's just nothing like multiple menal break downs. I'm pathetic.

IALMOSTGOTFUCKINGBACKKSTAGEPASSESTOPARAMORE!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, I could just kill myself. Right, I have this friend, and he works for livenation, and He was gonna get a backstage pas for my friend Aisha. But she didn't want to go by herself, so she was gonna give it to me. Just when I though I was gonna get it, my other friend tells me that her name is already on it! FUCKMYLIFE!

OH!!! And even better! Her parents probably wont let her go anyways cause she'd be by herself!!!

FUCKKKMEEEESIDEWAYSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, could my luck really be that bad?

T_T Sooo cloosseee

steal my romance

2009-05-13T21:27:00.002-04:00

I'm so sick and tired of feeling so alone all the time. I don't know much more of this I can take. I'm so desperate for someone to talk to...

parents

2009-05-08T18:57:00.000-04:00

irritate me to no end.

Assholes

depression sucks

2009-05-07T16:39:00.000-04:00

this is one of those photos where the person in it doesn't have to act to get the right emotion.

pay the price

2009-05-03T00:14:00.003-04:00

I hate getting compliments as much as I feel so very flattered as well

I'm not pretty. My top lip is thin, and I have dark circles that don't go away no matter how much sleep I get. I hate getting on the scale. The number wouldn't bother me if I knew it was all muscle.

And when people do compliment me, it's almost as if I'm being lied to. I see nothing alluring about myself, why would anyone else?

It's a good thing no one reads this.

someone's gone back on their word

2009-05-02T23:57:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I'm so sick of living in this household. I feel like I have nothing in comment with the rest of my family. I feel bad for wanting to ditch out as soon as I'm old enough, but I'm tired of dealing with all this irritation.

I miss having friends. I miss having people to talk to. I hate whining on here all the time. There's nothing else to talk about, nothing ever happens in my life. I'm a pathetic excuse for a person.

Owwww

2009-04-30T10:21:00.002-04:00

Uhg, so my period decided to finally show up today in teh middle of my first period, and was rude enough to bring some massively painful cramps with it, so bad that I had to call my mother to pick me up and take me home, simply because there was no way I could get anything done in school if I was hunched over in my seat moaning in pain.

So, for the past half hour, I've been lying in bed wioth a heat pad, waiting for the midol to kick in and reading Pride and Prejeduce. I've only just started feeling well enough to get up. I'm just glad I wasn't without tampons, cause that would have sucked!

Well, I have the hole day at home now, so I'm gonna work on my French and start on the two Othello Essays I have to do by Sunday and finish the vocab which is due friday, unless something decides to occypy me...

angels are rendered useless

2009-04-28T18:09:00.004-04:00

Weeee!!!!!! I finally got a tripod!!!!! Woooooo!!!!!! It's not a super great one, but hey, beggars can't be choosers, and it works for me :)

AND I GOT PARAMORE TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!! *spaz attack* Omg, I watched a live video of them doing "Decoy" so fucking amazing, god, I can't wait.

:/ I should have gotten my period by now... I dunno what's going on, cause I'm deffinately not having sex with anyone, kthnksbaii. I dunno, maybe it's just one of theose things where you randomly get irregular...

Fuckk my life, I'm so tired. I'm tired and sick of school. Dad keeps yelling at me. *sigh*

2009-04-22T14:47:00.002-04:00

sleep. I need sleep. Uhhhggg.

Woohoo, I'm officially 16!!!! Now I just need to get a job and save up every cent I make so I can get a laptop!

Uhhgg, i want my presents!!! I have to wait till my party to get them!! It's been so hard to not try and sneak into my parents room and look at them.

I'm so bored. I'm so tired of school.

And I really want a taco right now.

hahaha, could I be anymore childish?

help me leave behind a reason to be missed

2009-04-17T23:05:00.002-04:00

Hhhhuurrrggg, I'm so tired. I just want to curl up in a very large, comfortable bed, and sleep until I WANT to wake up. I ache all the time that sometimes, I don't even notice it.

16th birthday next weekend, so far I have a grand total of...two people coming. Uhg, how pathetic am I?
Answer: very.

I'm also, apparently a serial killer.

We had a substitute in Journalism the other day, and he was doing all these little riddles with us, and he did this one, and he said that it was a psychological thing they did with suspected serial killers. He said that serial killers always give the same answer, and that regular people have a bunch of different answers.

"A Girl is at her mothers funeral and she see's a man she's never seen before there. She immediately falls in love with him. She wants to talk to him, but the funeral is in progress, so she waits till after. But after the service, she can't find him.
2 months later, she kills her sister."

The question is why.

Serial Killers will give this answer: "In hopes that she'll see the man at the funeral"

of course, that's the answer I got, mind you, it wasn't my first answer, I had to think on it a little bit, but it just when WHAM, slammed right into me, and I was bouncing in my seat, because I knew that was it, hahah.

I dreamed I was missing,
and you were so scared,
but no one would listen
cause no one else cared

This is getting almost unbearable, I can't take being upset like this all the time, and I don't know how to fix it.

hush

2009-04-15T21:51:00.002-04:00

uhgg. My friends suck. I dislike this loneliness..

This computer situation is getting drastic. MY mom is starting to say no sometimes when I ask to use hers. My dad throws a mini hissy fit if I ask to use it anytime after mom gets home.

uhg. I hate my non existent love life.

Automatic Loveletter - Make-up Smeared Eyes
Left your t-shirt in my room, still smells of you And the picture you hung on the door lay smashed, picture perfect.
Explains now, clearly nothing left but a memory We only made out you never kissed me that's how I learned to hold back all feeling

Wait, please don't go, I won't stay.
All these words on replay. I'm ok,
It's alright, good to know that you're fine.

Pretending everything is right, to make it better.
I'll hide my make-up smeared eyes, to show that I'm fine.

Somehow you have managed to get under my skin, more than anyone ever did.
And if every hole makes a scar and every scar marks it's place
Then I will never live freely without your trace.
And it'll never be fair, I wrote my songs for you and you never even cared.
So I'll forget you, I'll wash your t-shirt,
Kill the pillow and cut you out of pictures

Wait, please don't go, I won't stay.
All these words on replay. I'm ok,
It's alright, good to know that you're fine.

Pretending everything is right, to make it better.
I'll hide my make up smeared eyes...

This drama sat shot gun
My eyes rained like autumn
Only the glove box knows
How the story goes
Now that this bandage is broken and
The cuts left in open
I'll tell you just one thing
This wasn't worth the sting

2009-04-11T22:34:00.002-04:00

Last night wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be, dad only got a little buzzed and he was being funny as hell. I squirted him with the spray bottle(used when the cats are misbehaving) and he THREW his tea at me. It was very cold.

Yeah, I definitely don't have friends. No one EVER calls me, or IMs me or anything.
I wish I did though...

I hate depression.

:(

2009-04-10T19:11:00.001-04:00

dad just came home with a six pack.

Gahhhh :(

fmngbfnkdgbkf

2009-04-10T11:11:00.001-04:00

my freggin' guidance councelor pulled me out of class just to yell at me for my grades. WTF?

uhg, parents still fighting.

Yay for bloggin durning school!!

The freggin' vending machines are possesd!! They wont work!

And I'm starrrvvvinnggg!!

hit the ground running

2009-04-09T20:28:00.002-04:00

great.

just great.

my parents are fighting again.

that's just....fantastic.

smiles and tantrums.

2009-04-09T18:59:00.003-04:00

If I was having a good evening before it's gone now.

Dad felt the need to yell at me. Dick.

He's so grumpy all the time! Even though he has a steady job now, he's bring money in and working overtime.

I'm getting really sick of it.

give me what I came here for

2009-04-05T21:40:00.002-04:00

Uhg. I wish my dad wasn't such a sarcastic asshole. Everytime I do something wrong he picks at it and picks at it! He's a pride killer. He FORCES you to admit you were wrong.

I'm so sick of it, it's not even funny. and the thing is, he doesn't even care.

pick my heart up off the floor.

2009-04-05T11:33:00.003-04:00

Hurg. Lilith pretty much confirmed that it was clinical depression. Wonderful. Doesn't really change anything though. I refuse to see a shrink, and I will not take ADs.
I have been feeling a little better though this week, Despite the fact that none of my "friends" have made ANY contact with me over break. Fuckers. I made a new online friend, and he's really nice.
My online friends are better than most of my school friends. Am I the only one who sees a problem here? Ah well, it's nice to actually have someone to talk to again.
Fuck my computer. It needs to rot in hell.
The damn thing wont work. It wont start up. We don't know what's wrong with it. UHG!!!!!!!! I am so fucking sick of my computers never fucking working for me. I have gone through five fucking hard drives, it's crashed four fucking times, and even now it wont fucking work, after my dad has spent all the fucking time he's willing to fucking spend on the stupid piece of shit. So now I'm stuck using my mom's computer. And P.S. She's using it most of the time she's home!
and of course it' all my fault!! *sarcasm*At least in dad's head. Uhg. I didn't do anything to it, how could I have possibly broken it. And now he just, wont help me anymore. Bastard.
Uhhhgggg!! I don't wanna go back to school. I'll be unhappy again!! :(
Cause there's nothing more fun than sitting by yourself watching your "friends" have fun.

I dreamed I was missing

2009-03-25T15:15:00.002-04:00

There's something wrong with me. There has to be, I'm so upset all the time. I have to pretend I'm happy just so I don't have to wallow in self-pity(which makes me feel weak and idiotic)
I have all this bottled up passion and nothing to do with it, nowhere for it to go. Music makes it worse. My shoulders and neck always ache.
I hate all my flaws. I hate my weight. I hate how I can't feel good about myself to some degree without wearing make-up.
I can't drive, I failed my french class, I have no job, and I suck at cooking. I feel so useless
It's getting harder and harder to get up and go to school. Sleeping is my favorite past-time. I have no will to do my school work. I feel like I'm giving up on something without ever even wanting to.
And there's no one to talk to. No one to confide in. I don't want people to know I'm not as happy as I look, and I don't want to be the little depressed girl. I don't want to talk to my parents about it. My mother pushed me into telling why I was so angry all the time, and I told her I felt lonely a lot(which is part of it). I don't want my parents to worry about it, there's enough going down already. I don't want people casting sideways glances at me to check my expression, and I don't want some shrink telling me what I already know.
But I just don't know what to do anymore

leave out all the rest

2009-03-03T22:03:00.002-05:00

lonely.
I feel so incredibly lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to.
No, nothing's happened to bring this on. Other than perhaps beginning to read Midnight Sun. Twilight is my favorite series of books, and yet they always depress me because I know I'll never be accepted that way.
I find myself wishing to tell all to someone, despite the fact that I keep my secret's like a dragon guards treasure.
Who am I kidding? Anyone in the right mind would put distance between me and them if they knew everything about me. Ether from revulsion(thoroughly understandable. Harsh. But understandable) or from not wanting to be caught up in someone who is such a mess (Still understandable. Not quite as harsh.) I can't tell you.
Sometime I think I'm easily trusting, now that I think about it...I'm not. Trusting people would spill all. Look at me. A bundle of secrets. I hate me.
I hate getting upset over stupid things. I hate the fact that the last time I cried as a mere few months ago.
stepheniefuckingmeyerihateyouformakingmerememberhowemptymylifeis.
bitch.

The Return of Alice

2009-02-19T17:02:00.001-05:00

oh my dear sweet Jesus, I do believe I just died of happiness.

THEY'RE MAKING ANOTHER ALICEEEE!!!1 ahhhh *bounces in seat*

yyyyaaaaaayyyyy, I"m soo happpyyyyyyy!!!!!!

but it's gonna be a while before it's donee :(((

backstabberr

2009-02-17T20:50:00.002-05:00

so there's this girl trying o steal my boy.

and I thought she was my friend. Just goes to show.

My date with Ryan went rather well, I met his father, who seems nice. He picked me up at my house, I was home alone, so he didn't have to worry about meeting my parents just yet. We drove to the movies, where his dad dropped us off. He refused to let me pay for my ticket. We watched Coraline with was the best movie I've ever seen in my lifee :) I liked it so much, I even ordered th book online ^^, it was shipped sometime today, so hopefully it'll be here soon. Anyway, after the movie, his dad drove me home, Ryan met my parents, my sister think's he attractive o_O

I find it very hard to breath for the past few days, I've been so congested, but nothing seems to help :( It makes it hard to eat and drink, because it forces me to keep my mouth closed. It's also hard to sleep, because my mouth wats to stay closed. I've tried nasal spraces vicks, eucalytus oil, and pills, nothing alivieates it. At the moment, it's relatively tolerable. Ahh, cheshire's sitting herself in the crook of my arm and it's making it difficult to type! Hmm, I wuv my bitty :3

I've been drawing a lot lately, rather tha taking pictures. Dunno why, I relly need to talk to Kumar so we can work on our RP T_T, but seeing as my computer is in a permanent suck mode... I'm stuck in a bit of a writer's block with the first chapter, but hopeflly it'll break through soon.

Ah well, I supose that it's for now.

takeenn

2009-02-10T17:49:00.004-05:00

and taken again!

Her has the same name as my last boyfriend, but you never know, this could go better, there's actually a foundation of friendship.

haha, I totally knew he was gonna ask me out :)

We're going to the movies on Saturday (valentine's day)

This'll be my first time having a boyfriend for this holiday :)

vulnerable.

2009-02-09T16:30:00.002-05:00

Hmmm. Nice weekend.
On Saturday I helped my dad in the garden, and on Sunday me and my family went to the flee market. They were selling 600 thread count sheets for 20 dollars a set, and they wouldn't get me a set even though the newest set I bought was when I was forced to get a bunk bed and were full size.
And the hoe bag fucked her face-sucker on them XP.
I might actually be getting another boyfriend. o_O. Yes, it's the guy who sold me the iPod. He has the same name as my Ex, but you know, this could go better than the last one cause there's actually a foundation of friendship.
He grabbed my ass today.
and picked me up in his arms and carried me around the room when I wouldn't give him a cookie, I screamed the whole time.
And he stole my shoe. Twice.
He told Kristina to ask if I liked him, and I was like "I'm not good a gauging that."
and she's like "would you go out with him?"
"I guess"
but he didn't want her to tell me that he told her to ask me. But she did anyways. I figured as much.
But I dunno, there's this girl Jocelin that I've heard he likes, and he says he doesn't but he might just be saying that so he can get a date with me, but I've heard from like, 5 people, that he likes her, and there's this drama going on between him and Jocelin's boyfriend, and he just broke up with the girlfriend he had for over a year. I rally don't need a drama in my life, even though high school revolves around drama, I've been able to avoid being involved in any; I know, but don't partake.
So, I dunno.

I've got nothing for you to gain.

2009-02-05T20:17:00.003-05:00

I'm so tired of life right now. I'm tired all the time, the projects from my World Hist/Eng.2 honors class are just...never ending, and they consist of mounds of research and writing, and that comes before putting it together into a finished project. I haven't done my French 3 homework all week because I just don't have the time, which give me a D in that class due to an awful test :(
There was a Freeze Warning today.
In Florida.
Am I the only one who see's something wrong with this?
Oh Goodie, another Valentine's day where I'm single.
Speaking of lovers, someone else has added themselves to the list of my admirers. The boy who sold me my iPod. He's very affectionate, but I don't know very much about him yet, and everyone who reads this (me) knows how that went for my first and only boyfriend.
I'm in desperate need of a tripod. There's a lot of shots I want to do, but can't, because there's nothing to hold my camera! Perhaps I'll get one for my 16th birthday(Gosh, I'm turning 16)
I want. To Lose. Weight. Desperately. I mean, uhg. A flat stomach would deffinately improve my existance. Shame on me.
I really should be working on my project. Or French Homework. But unfortunately, I didn't write down what the Honors(Advanced) part of theproject, and people refuse to answer my bullitin on myspace. Dirks.
Surprisingly enough, my computer hasn't frozen in two days, even though I've had iTunes open, and Paint Shop Pro, and I've uploaded pictures from my camera, and had AIM and the internet open at the same time. 0_0
Perhaps it has fixed itself? Let's hope, cause I sick of wanting to beat it viciously with a bat and not being able too. Also, we can't afford a new hard drive, and if this one crashes, I really will cry. The one I'm using now is the back up drive I was using before whn this 200 GIG was working.
Wooahhh, this is a long one! I'm just blathering on and on about things no one but me cares about! Ahh, it's nice to be motherd with concern. *rolls eyes*
I need new music, desperately. 4 gigs on my iPod and I haven't been able to fill it, which is incredibly surprising.

"I feel empty, but filled with emotion that I do not know what to do with. I feel like I am screaming inside, but I can not hear a word. My eyes itch something terrible."
-Annette Pehrsson, my favorite photographer.

I was just reading through the transleted version of her blog and came across this little quote of hers. How incredibly amazing it is.
I wish I was a cat.
I suppose I should try and do something productive now.

is it bright

2009-01-23T18:18:00.002-05:00

about that last post.

hmm, I'm just not gonna let myself get hurt anymore. I"m not complaining to anyone anymore, cause obviously no one wants to hear it.

Whatever, Anyways, I'm probably getting an iPod, yay! It's a 4 gig, but it's better than what I got. Annnd, I probably wont have to pay for it! :D

I got my new classes for this semester.

1st Blcok: French 3
2nd Block: Journalism
3rd Block: World History
4th Block: Englsih 2 Honors.

French is hard as always, Everything I learned last year is virtually gone. I'm so done taking it after this year. Journalism is okay, Mr. Stossle is kinda boring but at least he's not mean. But those two are my least favorite classes because I don't really know anyone in them, especially french, it's all seniors and stuff.

Would History and English. I get a project ever week with those classes! Ahhh! But I gotta do it cause last semester wasn't great.

None of my teachers are funny like Mr. Cady.

But ah well, life seems to be in a permanent suck mode anyways, best to just grin and bear it :)

everyone who ever said they'd be there

2009-01-15T00:27:00.000-05:00

left.

8th grade all over again.

I can't believe this.

father of mine

2008-12-31T15:13:00.001-05:00

my dad.

yeah, he can kiss my ass.

Unwell.

2008-12-11T22:40:00.002-05:00

All day, staring at the celing making
friends with shadows on my wall
all night, hearing voices telling me that
I should get some sleep
because tomorrow might be good for something

hold on
feeling like I'm heading for a
break down
and I don't know why

but I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
but stay a while, and maybe tehn you''ll see
a differnet side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impared
I know, right now, you don't care
but soon enough, you're gonna think of me
and how I used to be

Me.
Talking to myself in public
and dodging glances on te train
and I know,
I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
and it makes me think there must be something wrong

with me
out of all the hours thinking
somehow
I've lost my mind.

but I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
but stay a while, and maybe then you''ll see
a different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now, you don't care
but soon enough, you're gonna think of me
and how I used to be.

I've been talking in my sleep
pretty soon they'll come to get me.
they'll be taking me away

but I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
but stay a while, and maybe then you''ll see
a different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now, you don't care
but soon enough, you're gonna think of me
and how I used to be.

Matchbox Twenty - Unwell.

the music I listen to will generally tell you what I'm feeling.

this is screaming

2008-12-11T14:53:00.002-05:00

Hmm, some things kinda fixed themselves, but dad is strill losing his buissness and I still have an F in Chemistry and a D in Geometry and I'm always sweating to death at night, and I had to write a 5 page script by myself just to get it done on time.

Gosh, listen to me complain, I'm like a 4 year old.

And I'm always tired now.

* sigh* this'll be a great christmas. :(

Anywas, rehersals have been cancled, thank god. Christmas break is after next week, so It'll be nice to not have to go to school for two weeks.

I HATE WAITING AT THE LIBRARY!!! It's soooo boring!!! everytime I have to stay after school, I have to wait at teh library. rjhgjkfdghjkfdgkfdbhgjkdfbhkjfdbhgkjfdbgkjdg.

I hate life.

How many times have I ended my blogs like that now-a-days?

:[

2008-12-08T16:39:00.001-05:00

Monday night - rehearsals
Tuesday night - Work on video project for Leadership
Wednesday night - rehearsals
Thursday - I after school study session for Chem
Friday - maybe rehearsals.

That and then freggin school principal is a BITCH and shut down our whole fashion show Idea for the Community service project, so now we have absolutly NOTHING after all that work!!!!!!!

I'm about to lose my bloody mind!!!!!!

Oh, yeah, I forgot to say. I broke up with my boyfriend, hahaha I'm such an awful girlfriend.

I hate my life.

hey moon

2008-12-07T11:34:00.002-05:00

life's tolerable again. I have an F in chemistry and a D in geometry :( But I shadowed a hair stylist on Friday, and they gave me money for helping out in the salon (against my protests), then I went to the park with Courtney and Lauren, and took an insane amount of crazy pictures.

After that, we went to Lauren's house and watched some of "closer". (that's our movie, hahahah).
The next day I went to the mall and bought a new wallet and bag.

I'm probably gonna do laundry and clean my room today. And do my geometry homework.

don't bother.

2008-12-02T20:12:00.003-05:00

"It's true we're all a little insane, but it's so clear now that I'm unchained"

every time things get tolerable

something goes wrong again.

I'm beginning to think I wont make it through High school with my sanity in tact.

I hate my life.

first kiss

2008-11-18T17:38:00.002-05:00

got mine today.

yep.

earlier this month.

djhgjfgjfdjkfdnjfdgjkfg hateschool.

this whole entry is just total randomeness.

Twilight on Friday XP

there's nothing underneath

2008-11-11T18:49:00.002-05:00

It's pretty much amazing.

Home life's been crazy. Money's really tight, so my father's been stressed out. Just throwing fits about everything. But him and my mum made up last night. Loudly. In their bed room. At 11 o'clock at night. Ewwww.

Anyways! I officially hate chemistry. It's so hard! I have an F in that class. I was supposed to go to this tutoring thing after school, but I forgot, like and idiot. Uhg, I've no idea how on earth I'm gonna manage to get a Bright Futures scholarship :(

difficult.

2008-11-07T20:03:00.002-05:00

Alice is pissing me off again.

So, I'm trying to make my third mod. I started out with a mod of this Japanese site I've come across in my travels over the internet, here: http://www.tim.hi-ho.ne.jp/arak/aliceskin/aliceskin2.htm because the dress I had designed called for a shorter skirt that the one in the original game files and seeing as I lack the necessary intelligence to figure out how to do it myself, I just did my best to edit from the "Black Nurse" mod

I've edited everything to make it look as close as I can get it to the original dress design I had planned out. But for some reason the skirt isn't short like it should be. I think it has something to do with the scrips, but I don't wanna go into those with out knowing what I'm doing in case I frig something up.

That's what I have so far. Uhg, this is just irritating. There's still a few things I need to fix with her skirt. It's supposed to look like ruffles. The white at the bottom is supposed to be her petticoats, but like I said, still in the process of fixing that. >_<

oh star

2008-11-05T21:10:00.003-05:00

This couple stuff confuses me.

I don't like not knowing how to navigate this stuff.

No, we haven't kissed yet. Everyone keeps telling me "OMG!! That's so cuuute!!!" I didn't think it was that big a deal, me finally getting a boyfriend.

He sneaks up on me a lot. Or maybe I'm just un-observant. Hmmm.

the night mare, revisited

2008-11-02T13:18:00.002-05:00

I just got my first boyfriend last night.

O_O

woww

*still in shock*

We're going to the movies tonight.

He asked me to dance last night at homecoming. We talked a little.

Ryan: So what are you doing tomorrow night?
Me: I dunno, nothing I guess.
Ryan: Would you like to go to the movies?
Me: You mean, like a date?
Ryan: Yes.
Me: Like Boyfriend/Girlfriend?
Ryan: Yep.

God, how much of an idiot could I have sounded like, hahah.

I'll describe more about my weekend later, I'm still having a panic attack about how much I could screw this up.

i'm so sick

2008-10-28T21:27:00.000-04:00

i'm so sick of everybody and their stinkin' boyfriends.

and If I sound bitter, I am, so leave me alone.

I hate feeling alone.

who ever you would have been.

2008-10-28T15:40:00.002-04:00

Woah.

It was actually cold today.

I was shivering! It was actually cold! Which is a big deal here, especially in October.

Right, so one of my group members for the Leadership project still wasn't hear today, so we had to do it without her, and seeing as she had the note cards for the Verbal Quiz at the end, and was supposed to do the "Win-Lose" and "Lose-Win" lesson, Brenda and I were scrambling throughout the whole thing, I was definitely tearing the back of my neck up (Nervous habit: I rake my fingernails over the back of my neck) The only thing that went well was the video I made, and that's cause I make the best videos in sophomore magnet. :)

Mary was at my bus stop again. I think she was trying to throw daggers at me, cause she kept looking at me, but I totally ignored her, she just ants attention, as usual. *rolls eyes*

I exersized like a crazy person last night, so my abs were sore all day, but I'm gonna do it again tonight.

one step closer

2008-10-27T20:34:00.004-04:00

Horrible day. Awful

Chemistry exam - fail.
Math exam - D
Mary was at my bus stop.
The rest of my group wasn't there for the leadership assignment
My jeans ripped and now have a big hole in them at the crotch.
I feel totally inflexible.

I'm gonna start stretching like mad. I wanna have a straddle by the end of the year. Hopefully sooner, but I don't wanna kill myself. I'm gonna try exercising more, so far, Legally Blonde isn't a physical strain, so it's not doing to much..

meh.

dare you to move.

2008-10-23T20:36:00.002-04:00

I'm growing up.

I still act like a child, but my preferences, the way my bedroom looks, the books I read, the way I dress, It's all different.
My room has no posters, they're all under the bed. It never stays messy for long, everything's mostly organized.
My clothes are different, the only reason I still wear a lot of black is because my family doesn't have the money to buy me new clothes. Graphic tee's that I used to love are now only worn for pajamas.
I'm making a serious effort to cut down on swearing. I started getting in trouble for it for school, and I kinda realized how unattractive it as :/
I'm getting mad into photography, when it used to just be something I did when I wanted to make some sort of Alice or Twilight manipulation with it. I'm gonna try and save money when I get a job to get my own camera. I asked my mum for a Instant Picture Polaroid

Not gonna lie. I act like a bit of an eight year old. I creep out people in grocery stores by dancing down the isles. I throw things into the cart instead of setting them down. I over react a lot. I rap along to the "Handlebars" song. I snap at my sister for silly things. I make funny faces at people during tests in school. I call my Geometry teach "C-Hizzle"

But there are differences.

scares the hell outta me

2008-10-22T19:46:00.003-04:00

Yeah, my friend Gillian is officially hilarious.

Gillian: *about to do handstand* If I die or hurt myself just...call my mom, kay?

Later

Gillian: *randomly burst out from behind curtain doing "positive" dance.
Courtney: omfg, Gillian, what are you doing?!?! ahahah(yeesh, I can't type today!)
Me and Kristina *still doing "positive" dance, no idea what's going on* Huh?

Yeahh, hahah, This is gonna be great. :)

I bit my lip. It's bleeding.

Exams tomorrow, I have to take all of them :( Wish me luck!

this is harvard, not a stripper bar

2008-10-21T16:29:00.002-04:00

So, now I'm in this performance thing.

Courtney needed people for it, and she's like "Renn, you're auditioning for Legally Blonde"
"Wahhh?"
So yeah, I'm in it, and it's...kinda like being a kid Pussycat Doll, hahah. We seriously have to like, grope ourselves on a stage in front of Judges o_O That'll be akward. Gosh I haven't danced in forever, but it sounds like it'll be fun :)

spread a sence of urgency

2008-10-20T18:01:00.002-04:00

Haven't posted in a while.Weekend was pretty boring. I took apart my bunk bed, took my sister twin size, and rebuilt the bunk bed in her room. So now my room doesn't look microscopic.

Exams coming up. Hopefully I'll be able to exempt most of them. I will fail chemistry. I have to take the exam, and that'll be horrible. I already have a 64 :( If I fail I have to take the class again!

I really need a job. This is getting ridiculous.

My mum started smoking. :( Mhur, I'm upset about it, but I'm not mad at her. Things are really bad right now, Dad might go bankrupt if business doesn't pick up. Both my parents are strung really tight. I'm scared. I hope we get through this soon.

eeph.

call me when you're sober

2008-10-14T15:46:00.002-04:00

right, so, Daddy nearly cut his thumb off on Saturday, he accidentally set it down on a table saw. He walks out of the house as we pull up with a large amount of gauze wrapped arou nd his thumb, the first thing I said was "What did you do?"

Yay! No school Friday!

Boo! pre SATs tomorrow :(

We had to run a mile for H.O.P.E. today, in like 90 degrees temperature. It was so tiring, I'm not saying my score cause it's embarrassing, mind you, it was under 15 mins.

Meh, really not much to say today.

wish I could take this back

2008-10-13T20:53:00.002-04:00

Okay, if you're reading this, you probably know me. I'm not the "emo" type, most of the time I'm pretty good at keeping my emotions in check, and I don't freak over silly things.

But I'm just so strung out right now. I'm just..uhg, I can't even find the right word. School is so hard, my family is driving me insane, the only reason I can't take a joke right now is cause I'm bloody exhausted, Mary wont leave me alone, and Jay...let's not. I can't get enough sleep, I'm gaining weight, and I just can't seem to catch up on anything!

And now I can't find my god damn pen!!!

FUCK!!!

okay, swearing over.

Mehh, I feel like crying, but crying is icky, so I wont do that.

wide awake

2008-10-11T07:46:00.003-04:00

right so, its 7:30. On a Saturday. And I'm wiiiide awake. Whats wrong with this picture?

Courtney's mom sucks. Snatched her away from my place to do her chores and then wouldn't let her come back when they were done. Mhurr.

so it was a boring night.

Except I had a weird dream about going to my aunts place...

crashed on the floor when I moved in.

2008-10-10T14:09:00.002-04:00

ahahha, wow, killer day :)

1st block: Pretty freeking amazing. Definitely the highlight of the week. Mr. Cady is officially the coolest teacher ever. Frisbee Fight Club!!!!! Okay, so we had just finished SSR and we were getting ready to go over our test correctives, and he goes to his cabitnet and he's like "Gosh darn, I have so many foam frisbees." and he starts throwing them around in the classroom! So, outbreaks this strait up war with foam frisbees! We're all just chucking them at every one. Ithink I almost died from laughing to hard. You should have seen Mr. Cady going after Ben Farnum! Ahahahahahaha! It was epic! I've NEVER loved a math class before. But this is officially my favorite class!!!!

2nd block: Chemistry, boring, we took notes on Electron configuration.

3rd Block: Leadership, okay, we got to run around school campus on a scavanger hunt for Team Building activities.

4th Block: H.O.P.E. Boring, we wthced a movie about "Unhealthy relationships" Some girls Boyfriend kept hitting her and then he killed her when she wanted to break up with him. How original!

So now Courtney's over :) Love her, so we're probably just gonna hang out. Unless we get and "Unexpected" visitor *wink* Mmmm, fun :)

jesus

2008-10-08T20:11:00.002-04:00

she just IMed me again.

Freeking whore.

If you people had any idea how irritated I am right now.

Why can't he just leave me the fuck alone??

'till everything burns

2008-10-08T16:54:00.002-04:00

Guh, long day. Got a D on a Geometry test, and I think I did rather poorly on a chemistry test.

But my Leadership teachers liked the video I made for my part of the project, I have to make some of the slides longer, and fix a few spelling errors, but other wise, she said it was really good :) I'm not the type of person to toot my own horn, but I haven't seen anyone in 10th grade magnet make a better video than me as of yet. Shizam.

Erph, I've been thinking about when my parents almost split up over summer break. That was so scary, I cried all day, which really says something cause, I hate crying, I think I gave Courtney a heart attack. I honestly though my life was just gonna suck for the rest of eternity. And then I found out it was like, the fifth time it had happened! Fuck the what! I mean, all parents squabble every now and then, but I'd never seen my parents really fight. Gosh, I hope it never happens again, that was afwul, he wouldn't even look at her.

Just needed to get that off my chest.

I'm indesperate need of a job. I want my own bloody camera! Mom won't let me take hers anywhere. "You'll break it!". Like hell. My crappy little digital one eats though batteries in like, 15 mins! And Mom's camera focuses! Can't compete with that.

Anyways, If I could just get a job, I could buy my own camera. But no, no one wants to hire me :(

Meh.

Hhahaha, me and my random noises.

breathing's a burden we all have to bear

2008-10-07T19:21:00.003-04:00

"Midnight workings, weather down the storyline
I try to find the truth between all the lies
When Bleeding is feeling and feeling ain't real
Will I see you when I open my eyes?
Will I see you when I open my eyes?

When Breathing's a burden we all have to bear
And trust is one thing we're taught never to share
Somehow you just seem to shine
When loving means breaking and saying goodbye"

Uhggg. Life irritates me. I'm getting sick of people loading their problems on me. I need a day where everyone can just take care of themselves for once. I mean seriously, every time I try to go to someone with a problem I've got, they make it about them. And I'm not saying everyone I know does that, just some people. And when people make up excuses for their behavior. "Oh, I didn't sleep last night, and my dad's a jerl" Boo fucking woo, that doesn't make it okay for you to ask like a dickhead.

And some people are just so over-dramatic about the stupidest fucking shit. Yes, Mary, I'm talking about your sorry ass. And your idiot, Nick. You both can grow up, cause I'm sure everyone is just as sick of you and your imbecilc nature as I am.

There's a lot I wish I could say, but most of it I'd get in trouble for, or get judged, and I really don't need any of that right now.

"Just once in my life
I think It'd be nice.
Just to lose control, just once"

Sorry, I'm on a massive music attack right now, it's keeping me sane at the moment, I don't think It'd be very good If I started screaming and breaking and throwing things.

I dunno, I just feel so tired and claustrophobic.

trjhnajgnfdajjh hate life and school. I have to go work on a fucking project.

the tase of blood and chocolate in my mouth

2008-10-05T20:42:00.002-04:00

Okay weekend. Friday was good. Hung out with Courtney Faye after school. Went to Wendy's. Some fucker stole my money out of my back pocket. We were ordering our food, and I felt something brush my...well...my butt, anyways, I looked back and there were two black kids walking by, I didn't think much of it, there wasn't much space, so I just figured it was an accident. Until the guy at the counter was giving us our food and said "Hey, you know that kid just took you're money" So, I started rummaging. Hey, what do you know? My two dollars were gone. So I was like "omfg, are you kidding?" and the guy at the counter's like. "Do you want it back" The two black kids had like, five other friends there, and I wasn't in the mood to get jumped, so I said "No, it was just two dollars, don't worry about it" So we go sit down, and the guy at the couter goes into the kitchen. And then the fucking manager walks out and is like "Hey, give that girl her money back."

You know how them friggin punk kids are "We didn't steal shit man, I ain't gotta steal nuthin' man. I didn't take her fucking money" and just talking shit to the manager, so he's like "We got it on tape, we saw you gra the money outta the girls back pocket!" whatever, so I got my money back, It was just stupid.

After that, we walked to the library to hang out, and then courtney's stupid mom came and picked us up. She dropped Maura off, the took me and Courtney to my place. It was mostly uuneventful, we just hung out and stuff.

Until I got an IM from Mary!

OMFG it was fucking hilarious!!! Me and Courtney were dying with laughter! At first she said she wanted to be friends again, so I was ike "fuck off" and then we spent the rest of the time insulting each other, of course, I won, cause I cna be a real bitch when I want to, and I managed to do so while sounding thoughroughly intellegent (big words are full of win) and when mary tried using lengthy words, it was just an epic fail :), anyways, I got bored and blocked her, and I was like "I wouldn't be surprised if she made another SN to bug me.

And she did.

I ran though the house screaming "AHAHAHAHAHA SHE MADE ANOTHER SCREEN NAME!!!!! I'M A FUCKING PHSYCIC!!!!!!" and then I just ignored her and blocked her again. I hate when people do that, make more screen names to talk to you again. I mean, honestly, if I blocked you, I think I've made it rather apparent that I don't want to talk to you. Whatever.

Fuck school.

seated and sweating to a dance song on the club's PA

2008-10-02T22:18:00.002-04:00

More uneventful days.

I'm falling behind on math homework :( I left my binder at home the other day, so I didn't get the assignment done, but Mr. Cady said I could turn it in tomorrow, and I didn't even finish tonight's assignment. I'm debating on doing it when my parents go to bed, but I have to get up earlier that usual tomorrow to catch the bus t school, case it's senior skip day and my ride is skipping.

Courtney Fayee is coming over again tomorrow night :) I'm staying with her after school while she does this dance thingy with Maura and the her dumbass mom is picking the three of us up, dropping Maura off at her place, then driving us over to my house. It's gonna be madddd fun.

I decided to give my boredome buddy a name :) You know, how I was kinda talking to myself in the last post? Yeah, I'm not crazy, it's just massive side effects of chronic boredome. Anyways, her name is Jenna. Dunno why, it just is. Got a problem with it? Go thrash someone who isn't out of give-a-damn.
Jenna: Whoop, a name, I'm thrilled. *sarcasm*
You are just never happy are you?
Jenna: Well, what kind of gay name is Jenna?
There's nothing wrong with it. Besides, I could have named you something like...Ferdinand Zogbaum or something, so be greatful.
Jenna: that's a weird fucking name.
I know, right!! I think I'd kill if that was my name. Why am I not tired???
Jenna: Um, cause you took a nap this afternoon?
Do you have a contradiction to everything?
Jenna: I'm only saying what you want me to say. After all, I don't exist and you only made me to entertain yourself while you're bored and blogging.

ANYWAYS! Decided I'm going to homecoming with Courtney and Aerial. Dunno what I'm gonna wear yet, mum said she might be able to get me a new dress, but that wouldn't be fair, cause we're so tight right now. But the nice dresses I have bore me now :(

Ah well, it's late and I really should try and get some sleep.

glitz-and-glamour web of secrets and lies

2008-09-30T22:20:00.002-04:00

I can't sleep.
I've no idea why, I mean, I almost died this afternoon when I laid down.
I've started reading "I Was a Teenage Fairy: by Francesca Lia Block. I'd forgotten how much I love her books. I'll probably do a drawing of Mab sometime soon.

I wish I could lose weight. Yeah, I know, I'm skinny, everyone yells at me when I mention my weight, shut up. But honestly, I think I look awful in a bikini
-Shut up Renn, you're skinny, you have great legs(so I've been told)
Why don't you shut up? We have, in fact, looked in a mirror lately, and I'm not blind.
-You know what, the next time I hear you bag on us, I'mma...do something, I dunno, you're self-confidence sucks at life.
You suck at life. Why am I having a conversation with myself?
-There's no one else to talk to. Besides, you get all the answers you want.
Negatory, What kind of person likes telling themselves to shut up?
-A freak. Like you.
I agree with the freak part.
-You should go to bed.
I should, I have school tomorrow. But I suddenly want to clean my room. But It wont stay clean.
-Well, you'll have something to do when you want to clean your room again.
My tooth hurts again.
-Take some aspirin
I did
-Then quit bitching.
You're awfully mean for some that's me.
-Maybe you're just mean.
Maybe I am... I dunno, I don't talk to most people like I'm talking to myself now.
-You know, anyone who reads this is going to think you're insane.
So? Maybe I am insane. Besides, no one reads this.
-You're not insane, insane people don't have rules. You have many.
Wish I didn't.
-Shut up stupid, go to bed.
Muhh, fine!

Wooowww, I should get help.

if this is what you want, then fire at will

2008-09-29T18:52:00.003-04:00

I'mma start reading Twilight for the 13th timeee :)

Pretty good day, boring, but okay.

I was right, Chemistry re-take was a faillll, ahahahahah. Uhg, I have a D in that class.

Hanging with courtney was funnnn, we had the most hilarious conversation about Bella and Edwards sex life, ahahah. Ohhh, and Bagging on this one guys mayspace pictures, ahahahahahah, omfg, "The fact that he can even say Edward Cullen is an enditment against the whole institution". Ahh, I love herr.

Uhhgg, I really don't wanna do H.O.P.E. tomorrow, I hate that fucking class, I have to take it to graduate, but It's better than having to take a bunch of gym, I suppose.

Well I gotta finish my homework, peaceee.

an extrodinary girl, in an ordinary world

2008-09-28T21:18:00.002-04:00

Wow, haven't posted in a while.

Hmmm, can't remember what day it was, but Courtney tried to rape me in her leadership class, right on the table, in front of this kid who has a huemongo crush on me. He loved it, and was jelousss, hahaha, let's not go into what he did!

School pretty much sucks as usual, but I actually passed a freggin math test!!! I got an A!!! Ohhh shnizaa.

Me: *looks at paper* did you grade this right?
Mr. Cady: Um, yes?
Me: Ohhhh snap, it's a sign of the apocalypse!

ahaha, Mr. Cady is full of winnnn, loove it. I call him C-Hizzle. He totaly yanked me into his class during third persiod and helped me with the problems I'd skipped AMD gave me credit for them!

Anywauys, had a retake on my fail of a Chemistry test, and it deffinately didn't go well, it as harder than the first!!!! Fuck the what!

Courtney's mom is out of control. I'm serious, what is wrong with her, you don't say stuff like that to your kid. It's just not right, anyways, Courtey's hanging out with me tomorrow afternoon, my parents were gonna let her live with us for a few days(which means they really trust her after what happened with Mary), but her mum threw a bitch fit.

My hair needs to grow fasterrrrr!

I really want that Grimm Fairy Tales book, likke baddddd.

I think I'm finally done with my period for this 28 days! woohoo!

I totally donwloaded every single Danny Phantom episode. It took two fucking days, but I finally got them all. But I can't watch them yet :( I have to convert them to a format I can put on a DVD, cause my computer has no fucking sound. and Even then, I can only put like, 4 episodes per DVD, and there are like, 53, So I dunno, I'm hoping I can just get my sound back. Cause, 53 divided by four isss, I dunno, more than my dad is willing to give me I bet.

see 'em running for they're lives

2008-09-24T23:01:00.003-04:00

I'm supposed to be in bed right now, but I'm not...my jaw hurts, and I'm waiting for the pain killers to kick in, so Until then, I'll be awake.

Typical day. Easy Geometry lesson, got a D in Chemistry right now (faiiiill) boring leadership class, and boring H.O.P.E. class

Mostly an uneventful day, I really don't have much to talk about right now. fsgjsfbgjfsZg so boreddd. Hahaha I;m not as bad at typing as I thought I was, I did most of this without looking at the keyboard :) (at least, most of this section :P)

isn't that much fun staring down a loaded gun

2008-09-23T13:55:00.002-04:00

Today was okay :)

I was tired this morning, as usual *is always tired* but Geometry was good, it was an easy lesson, and I don't have too much homework tonight :) Chemistry was pretty normal, except that my friend Kristina was like, high off something, I dunno what was wrong with her. Apparently I have the cutest "Cute voice" she's ever heard 0_O But I started my bloody period at the beginning of that class and I was dying of cramps the whole time.

There was this "7 habits of a Proactive Person" seminar thing by the school seniors in 3rd period, it was pretty boring, but I won a Chocolate bar. ^_^ And then...

Joker and Batman walked on the stage!!!!! Weeee! You guys should know that Joker is one of my love interests :) even if it was just a student, he did the voice perfect, gosh, it was so funny, they had Him and bat man on "Dr. Phil" and it was pretty frickin hilarious, I loved it.

Dunring lunch, Courtney, she pretty much owns me now, had Midol! YAY!!!

H.O.P.E. was boring, we went outside, did two laps, and went back in to watch some stupid movie about Alcohol. Then I kinda snuck out of the gym like, a minute before the bell rang, so I coould be the croud some, and then grabbed my shiz, and went home. So now I'm here...

Yeahh.

we are so far from you

2008-09-20T22:28:00.003-04:00

Finally got my hair dyed. It's a bit more red and lighter, not as light as I was hoping for though. I went shopping with my mum today, mostly for groceries, but I got a new shirt and a Joker poster. Love Joker <3.

Last night with Courtney was pretty much amazing, as usual. Love her to death. Took lotsa crazy pictures. She might be coming over tomorrow for this dinner thing my mum is doing to gt the family together. My cousin Katie is coming, yay, I miss her, she's one of my artistic inspirations :)

We had to run into the book store so my mum could get "Brisinger" for my sister. Of course, I was going nuts, cause there were so many books I wanted to get but I was the only one who didn't get something new to read *rolls eyes* she even got this discount, and still wouldn't get me the copy of all the Grimm fairy tales that I wanted. It was only twenty bucks. Flhgnjfsghljdfh, unfair.

Cheshire's in my lap at the moment, she's been sick, but she's doing better. We found out she was allergic to fleas. We usually let her go outside to use the bathroom, but we can't anymore, cause she'll get fleas. Anyways, she got a bath today, and she looks better, her fur feels healthier and it's starting to grow back :) I wuv my little Bitty-kins.

you've been struck by a smooth criminal

2008-09-19T22:40:00.002-04:00

Meep, boring day. Woke up, got dressed, grabbed my school crap, went to school, we had a sub in geometry, a test in chemistry, did nothing in Leadership, and did nothing in H.O.P.E.

but then Courtney Fayeee Minchew came overrr. Best friend. Love her to death. We're watching "Closer" at the moment. Epic movie.

I wonder how some people manage to be so fickle about who they're in love with. Like, high school kids, they throw the word "love" around so easily...

Hm...

twilight movie rant

2008-09-18T16:46:00.003-04:00

Don't like Twilight? Then go away and complain to someone who actually cares :)

The twilight movie will in fact suck. Here's why.

Robert Pattinson: When I first saw he was gonna be Edward, I was like "Ohh, yay, Cedric!" but as I saw more of him in the movie, I saw that he in fact looks a bit like a pedophile when done up like "Edward". He always looks like he's about to devour Bella, and not in the good vampire way that we all want. Carlisle is more attractive than Edward. That's not right, I mean, we all no Carlisle is defiantly swoon worthy, but he's not supposed to be more attractive than Edward

Kirsten Stewart: What the hell, she looks like a man. She sounds like a man. What happened to the Emily Browning thing Stephenie was going for? Emily is adorable! I mean, just look at her lips! And she doesn't have a masculine voice! Kirsten's just...blech...

Other Cast Decisions: Jasper; what the hell is wrong with your hair? Did you get in a fight with a vacuum cleaner? Apparently it won... Rosalie: I don't think the girl is pretty enough. Laurent: They picked a black guy. I'm not racist in the smallest amount, but whaa? Victoria: Dye you hair red, hon.

"Running": Yeah...running. Not jumping through trees like some Naruto freak, running. I mean, honestly, did they even read the book?

The Fight Scene: Terrible. Truly Terrible. They weren't even in a dance studio! Trust me, I know, I took ballet for three years, and that was not a dance room. And again with the jumping thing, and Bella was supposed to have blood pouring from the back of her head. I didn't see any blood. I would have imagined James throwing her harder too. I mean, there was no pain in her expressions! And also, Edward and James weren't supposed to actually fight, and Bella was supposed to be already passed out on the floor when he get's there.

Edward's Car: Fail. Stephenie had a picture of his car up on her site, so why do they have the wrong automobile?

Car Touchy Scene: This isn't even supposed to be there. His hand brushes hers in the Biology class. And this scene is a perfect example of Robert's fail at an ambivalent expression. AS I said before, he looks like her about to start gnawing on her face.

This movie has one Pro to it. His name is Taylor Lautner. He's so cute :) Perfect Jake.

Other wise, this movie will suck in my opinion.

I'm disappointed :(

they say I don't get it.

2008-09-17T19:23:00.002-04:00

This is a rather old...thing...I wrote back in like 8th grade. But I like it :)

"

Love. They say I don't get it.
But I do.
Love is not when you can't stop making out with a guy because he's such a good kisser. No, sorry that's what us people with sense call lust.
Love is not when a guy "really understand you" after a month, then wants to get your shirt off that's called a booty call, not love.

And Maybe he does care, or maybe he really does have every intention of taking the time to put on a condom, maybe you too are totally sure that this is it, this is the one, maybe you're completely aware of the consequences, and are totally ready to take that step, maybe he really isn't just trying to get his tongue in your mouth are something like that. I don't know, I can't read minds. . .

I get it. Really I do. I've just never experienced it in any sort of degree besides relatives. I know enough to know that love is when you're heart tries to jump out of your chest every time this person touches you, and I don't mean like grabbing you ass ,okay? Like, with ever infinitesimal amount of contact. I get that, I've just never felt it. I get that love is when that person tells you your beautiful when you know you look like complete and total crap, and then you believe them. Yeah, I understand that, I've just never experienced it before. I understand that love is when you can spend a moment with this person, just sitting with them, and you'd sell you're soul if it meant that you could live in that little moment for the rest of eternity. I really do get that.

Is it really necessary to feel it to completely understand it? Isn't it enough to just get a brief summery of it and go from there? Do you really have to fall in love to know what someone's talking about when they say "I'm gonna be with the person for all my life"?

Love. They say I don't get it.
I think I do.
I really think I know what it means when you would tear yourself away from a person you love, even if every moment you're separated from them tore your heart into thousands of teeny tiny pieces, even if you knew you could never live without them, if doing so would keep them safe.

I get it but never felt it. So why does everyone treat me like I'm out on some huge secret?"

Hmmmm...

I'm starting to think I don't get it as well as I though I did

what if I wanted to break

2008-09-17T15:12:00.002-04:00

Stayed home from school yesterday, I threw up Monday-scratch that, early Tuesday morning(around 4AM) so, I stayed home. Which was nice :) But, I'm getting sick cause of stress, and If I keep missing school, I wont be able to exempt my exams(only if I get over a B in my classes) I hate school

last night sucked. I didn't sleep well, was up till 21, so I was also really tired this morning. Almost fell asleep in Chemistry

Chemistry Chapters 1-3 test= FAIL. 48%, ahahahaha. The class average was 56%, that test was so hard!

I complain a lot. At least on here. Tell me if you half care :)

this is stupid and contagious

2008-09-15T22:01:00.002-04:00

I have a new love :) JTHM. It thrills me. I should have my mind checked, Killing is rather easily justified in books for me to be a normal fifteen year old...Or maybe a lot of people are like that, they just don't want to admit it so they can seem normal.

Anywho. Today was sucky. Nothing bad happened, it was just one of those days that just ucked for no reason. You know, like when you wake up and you just know you're gonna have a bad day? Yeah, one of them. Stupid school.

School's killing me. I barely have any friends, I think about the future, tests and stuff, but I have no will to do anything about it. It's scaring me, I need to get into college, and if my grades are crap, I can't do that. *sigh* It was fun last year, why isn't it this year?

I think we have an emergency

2008-08-13T14:09:00.000-04:00

Well, Cheshire ran away again a few days ago, she cam back last night, and she just wont leave me alone, she's all over my room, and following me around, I think she's under the bed right now. The Stupid, Fat Thing (One of my other cats, Tiger) is of course, sleeping on it and getting his fuzz everywhere, uhg.

The sister is going to a different school than me this year, ye gods, I'm happy I don't have to try and evade her to save my self from her mean-ness.

Yahh

2008-08-11T18:37:00.000-04:00

My life is so uneventful right now. But I'm going to the movies with The best friend and maybe a few other people on Friday to go see "The Mirrors" or whatever it's called.

Uhg, either the cord to my Speakers is dying or it's my mp3 player. I hope it's just my speakers, If It's my mp3 player, I'll die, I really will, I'll have to get a new pone, and I only have 2 dollars and 65 cents, I'm a billionaire! :)

I wanna dye my hair red again.

Buggar

2008-08-08T02:07:00.000-04:00

I bought, read, and finished Breaking Dawn, it was amazing of course, but I can't believe it's over . The release party was epic. I went as Bella, I wore my Home-made Twilight T-shirt, ripped jeans with some blood on the knee rip to make it look like I tripped, and I had some band-aids and a wrist-brace on. I didn't get a stinkin prize, haters. . .But I got a button and stickers Gahh, Jake and Edward, can I have both????

School starts on the 19th, uhg. I can't believe I'm already a sophomore.

Ummm, I might have some Breaking Dawn art up soon, Nessi is the cutest thing since baby penguins

Jake is my fucking hero.